bunny tales

Lifeless and tired after work during the week days, I am too lazy to leave my apartment once I set foot over the threshold. What do I do then? Well, living alone has its ups and downs. Even though I sometimes dread the lonely and bored feelings I get, the lack of physical company allows me the freedom to do things my way at my pace. (Believe me; you don’t want to know the details.)

My routine is that I fix myself a simple dinner and settle down comfortably and begin my "Japanese lessons" watching anime and Japanese dramas available on my PC. I have caught up to date with "Bleach" and watched some re-runs of "My Boss My Hero."

Someone commented that they would have never thought that I am an anime fan or a Japanese TV drama buff, especially at this age. Well, I am not fanatic, but I like those with a good fun story line. Brings back good memories of the days when my passion for

Japan

and life began.

Exaggerating? I would say no. Watching such programs exposed me to a certain thought and culture. I am willing to absorb what I find interesting and to some extent "beneficial" modify it and made it a part of me. It helped painted a person who I wanted to be. As a kid then, anime provided more detail and information, and pictured how life can be taken with a dash of salt. A growing mind and personality at the teenage years just wanted to develop an identity that is cool and possibly, fit it best.

At this age, I am reminded of how young I was. "青春" It is a stage in life where we strive for studies, friendship, dealing with growing pains and all. I strive to have an interesting and fun life as a teenager and grow up to be a trustworthy intelligent "rocking" adult. The details to how it is done don’t really matter. I just didn’t want a mediocre life. All that mattered then was to give my best and learn from the outcome. Mistakes were made all the time, but it didn’t matter as long as I have friends.

So, what is the difference now? Maybe I am numbed by what society expects of me. I have slowly strayed away from being all I could be. That bites. I know I whine and complain a lot. I don’t want to be beaten down and told what I am supposed to be. There is a choice, and spending my nights glued to the screen might ignite some passion into me again. It is time to dream and chase after such dreams again, Suemae. I am living the dream I used to have as a teenage girl… Come on, you are never too old to have aspirations like a kid. So, no more excuse. Step by step, start on a rhythmic pace and go towards your goal. With the help of TV and such programs, it is time to get in touch with yourself once more.

It is through every trial and tribulation we get to see ourself grow. The immense pain in the challenges reflects the changes that has happened in us. It is a mirror reflecting who we are, who we have become.

I got out of bed earlier than usual this morning. All I wanted to do was to clean my room and apartment. I don’t know why. I noticed a cycle that has formed in the recent years. Taking the simple example of cleaning, I was taught to do house chores since the passing of my paternal grandmother and when my sister grew out of her need for a nanny/maid. Sweeping and moping seemed like fun then and I enjoyed playing my part at home. However, since we moved out I had not been cleaning at all unless being asked to, solely because the time spent at home was short and mom hired a part-time helper to straighten out the place once a week.

It was until I entered TCU that we were assigned cleaning duties again. Be it the academic zone or our personal living space, I was shocked that I would take the initiative to clean up an apartment and was proud of my accomplishment. Living with 3 room mates in an apartment-like environment put the initiative back in me as although we were all busy, it seemed like I was the one at "home" the most even though I had a full schedule. Nevertheless, cycles go around in circles. My return hope after graduation last year put me back into the days of taking cleaners for granted and I am shameful to admit now that I used the tiredness from work as an excuse not to clean.

Now, I look back just at today when I got up just to clean and mop the floor, twice. I even changed 2 light bulbs even though I was not tall enough and had to over come my fear in using a movable chair in reaching for high places. I am on my own.

When I am at my low, I used to come up with excuses to avoid or relying on others to help me do the things that I can do. But I know better. I used to be strong and independent. It is now, when I am alone–when things seem harder, when it seems that there is literally no one to pamper me–that I stand on my feet again.

Maybe it is time for me to straighten things out in my life. I have been spoiling myself coming up with all kinds of excuses to "decorate" and "soften" reality for me. Where have you been, Suemae? What happened to the strong-willed, independent, "go-getter"?

It is not too late. I thank God that it is, again, through the people and situations God put me in that I realize how much I have slacked from who I am and am geared towards my potential. I have to see that I am on the ground now and have to pick myself up, standing up because I can and not expecting, or rather, taking for granted that someone will come to my rescue.

I am no baby. I know how to stand. I did it before. I just need to realize that through the promptings of people but not rely too much on that outstretch arm. I am not arrogant, but it is only those who know me well who will understand that I have to do this by myself. Nonetheless, I am forever grateful for the special people He placed around me who truly helped. Suemae, independent and strong. You can do it with genuine support.

Time never stops and change is inevitable.

It has been two months since I put my thoughts into writing and there is just so much going on with my life right now that it is not easy to communicate it to a listening ear. The complexity and frustration level has been escalating and I sure feel like exploding. Nevertheless, being back in

Japan

has brought smiles and comfort amidst the madness.

I embarked on a new adventure back to the land of the rising sun but face a challenge as I return no longer a student, but a young working adult running the rat race in this fast paced high stressed society. I spent my first 2 weeks of July catching up with loved ones and friends, attending the graduation of the 3rd batch of ACTS-es students, sang for Ruth, Ashesh, Sang, Becky, and Ann Dee, spend many hours talking and hanging out with Rajiv and my favorite boys before they left Japan… then, another chapter of my life unfolds as I moved into the heart of Tokyo for my new assignment in life.

I am currently working for a executive recruitment firm, Progress. For the past month, I lived in a hotel a stone’s throw away from the office and worked hard to settle into this new role I have. My daily tasks are challenging as they are very different from what I am used to in the past. Even though I work in an internationally populated office but my duties requires me to perform in business Japanese. The learning curve is very steep and I am pushed to adaptation in a very high speed. Stressful is how I feel everyday but everyone at the office is kind, fun, and supportive. Exhaustion is felt as I crash my head onto my pillow every night but am thankful that friends who hang out with me over the weekend gave me joy and refreshed my sanity.

Since it is the summer, students flocked home, graduates move on with life, working people just have to keep working… Phone calls from friends and loved ones eased up the weekdays with burst of heart-warming feelings and smiles. I also look forward to my weekly "dates" with Sunil where we hang out at Harajuku and

Yoyogi

Park

listening to gigs and people watch after church. Yuka came from Nagoya to visit me 2 weeks ago where we had a blast painting the town red visiting English pubs, jazz bars, late ramen escapades; we went to church on Sunday, explored Omotesando Hills, hung around Shibuya and had sushi and a massage. It was just like the good old times where we talked but the time fillers were far more exciting than the time when we used to be students. Motoko and I hung out at Shinjuku last Saturday and had a great time too.

Now I live in an apartment, alone, but at a very convenient location 3 minutes walk from the station right on a local shopping street. The daily commute to work takes around 20 minutes on a rather packed train and it takes time to get used to. Returning home to the apartment was rather similar to a month’s living at the hotel, but the space and freedom to decorate the place does make it a little more interesting. I have my dim lights, soothing music, and it was just like my room back in the Women’s Dorm during my final semester. Now, I just need visitors!

No longer a student, away from home, living truly alone with no room mates or the convenience of knowing my neighbors as dormitory life… a huge change, indeed. I am on my own. The weed strives to live.

That will be the last email sent with my signature used for the last 9 months.

Goodbye, JAC. My very best wishes to you!

In my crazy, packed and rather stressful life, I am thankful that I have a rope, a cord that holds my sanity and myself together. This rope is weaved together by the many strings around the cord of my faith. These strings are the people who God has placed in my life. Each encounter is unique and well cherished.

A sunbeam through a window where a cat lies basking in this ray of light describes how I feel whenever contact is made with friends I have been blessed with. I was hanging out with a new friend from work last Monday and had the best of times. Fancy that, we were just corresponding via email during our work hours in the two weeks he joined us but easily hit it off with a wonderful evening sharing over dinner and drinks after. As I will be leaving JAC soon, I will miss the fun and lively girls of my division, a few others from City Division, and a new friend, Samuel.

Hearing from old friends is just as heart-warming. A few weeks ago, Marcus was back for the school holidays. Even though we had very limited conversations, but it sure was refreshing to know that the friendship is still there after such a long time. A simple dinner shared with Joe and Gabriel did kindled similar niceness of the good times shared in high school.

The best one thus far was a phone call from a really old friend. I have known this guy since the days of a young girl in elementary school. We shared the same class together. We had one of those “Stand by Me” moments where a groups of kids were friends, were very attached with one another, and might have been confused by such emotions for love. Anyways, we went our separate ways once elementary school was over.

We lost contact but names were mentioned once in a while when we speak with our common friends. We did bump into each other once after 7 years of silence at the Bon-Odori held in Malaysia and soon after I left for Japan. Nevertheless, when he called me a few nights ago, we just talked and talked. It was not the superficial small talk but we were talking about what is going on in our lives right now and were able to care for one another like we have always been there.

It is amazing that through the years, our friendship was like wine. It was aged to become of quality and goodness. By situations like these I can say that true love do exist—not in the lovey-dovey mushy touchy-feely of plain emotions, but the commitment to see that each other is well and happy. Love exists in every human relationship and it is not a convenience as many see it to be.

Do I believe in love? Yes.

Do I believe in a lasting love and companionship? Yes.

With emotions, love is made alive. With reason and commitment, love is kept alive.

This is my concept of passion not only with friends, and the special someone, but it is also extended to everything I do that I will not put any resources and opportunities to waste.

Someone asked me "Why are you leaving? Don’t you like it here?"

"I don’t like myself when I am in Malaysia. I prefer a much organized life and one where people know they are humans and civilized. Or at least, somewhere where people would actually put the effort in making the world a better place."

I see myself transforming into a hideous beast living in Malaysia. Maybe I just am bad at adapting to reverse culture shock. But then again, my defense is "If you can do better and have been at that stage, why discount yourself and opt for the lesser just for the sake of convenience? We all deserve to move up and step up. That is development and civilization."

Every morning when I sit through traffic in my car or attempt to cross roads as a pedestrian, I see this frown forming on my forehead. Anger and impatience run through my veins. My scary and mean face, one I have not unleashed in the past four years in Japan resurfaced. I am huffing and puffing like a steamed up dragon. A nasty phrase rolled off my tongue. I was ready to kill.

You get what I mean? I totally dislike myself at times like these. The Malaysian traffic is able to bring out the worst in a person. I try my best to be a courteous driver, abiding in all traffic rules and law. Someone told me that it is only smart to be a "defensive driver"–taking action before someone does something to you on the road. I would say it is just being rude to others even before they have a chance to squeak. Definitely, I frown on the notion what more it would be for me to put on that practice.

This morning, I came across an article and hopefully it will shed some light. It brought a smile and a little chuckle. Read it and digest!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070619/ap_on_re_eu/vatican_road_rage;_ylt=Apu.ROAx33aYI0nRHQnW5c4DW7oF

As I am rather infamous for my impromptu agendas and lack of information in various aspects of my life, I hereby give you my two weeks’ notice of my leaving the country to embark on another adventure. I have given a rather similar notice to my company about a week ago and am currently wrapping up the loose ends before my last day on June 27, exactly 9 months since I joined JAC.

Normally, as I start my preparations and packing the song “I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane” will play itself over and over again in my head, but this time, I only hear Donkey’s voice singing “On the road again…giddy-up giddy-up” from Shrek 2. Whichever the song maybe, I am stepping away from the threshold of the place I grew up into the sea of uncertainties before me. After 10 months of returning to Malaysia, I am heading back to Japan.

I apologize if I have not spent enough time back home, but have came to realize that there are things that I have to do and staying here for a longer period of time will just make me unhappy. I am also sorry that I did not spend much time catching up with old and close friends, but do appreciate your understanding. This is something the stubborn bunny has got to do.

I will definitely miss all of you and wishing you every good fortune.

My flight will be on July 1, if any of you would like to hang out, just let me know and I will be there. Till then, take care and good riddance!

My weekend started earlier last week (or did it?)

I was asked by Tabby, Elise, and Su-Anne to speak for CF on Friday and took the opportunity to relief myself off work for the day. (CF—Christian Fellowship. It is the weekly meeting of songs, games, and talks held for Christian students back at my high school.) Thus, I woke up slightly later than usual, put on my gear and head off to the bank before going to the hairstylist for a pampering. I got my hair washed, did hair treatment, and had a haircut. It was a nice experience despite the amount of cash I had to pay. Nevertheless, my hair looked fabulous!!!

Su-Anne picked me up after she was done at the kindergarten and we went over to Pastor Tony’s place where CF was held. It was refreshing seeing kids in the high school uniforms up close.  It brought back flashback of memories of the days when I was in their shoes. After a few songs and a game, I gave my little talk. As usual, the response was inaccessible as they were so quiet that the lack of the sound of their breathing makes you wonder whether they are alive. However, after hanging out for a while after, I think the message got through, somehow.

My baby sis and I then sped off for an afternoon shopping at 1-Utama. It has been ages since I have been there but did not enjoy my shopping session as I had terrible waves of headaches. Our shopping spree was cut down to 3 hours, but we went home happy with the smooth traffic and a fancy necklace I bought myself.

Later that evening, as much as I wanted to go for CG (College Care Group) I had a fever. I could not remember when was the last time I had one and I felt like a whale washed up ashore. I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening and felt much better the next morning.

Saturday and Sunday was much better. I had to be at work on Saturday but I did manage to rush home right after, did the laundry and sped out to KLCC for a movie with Nathan. I promised him dinner sometime back never got to it. Anyways, we enjoyed a movie and then went to get some books at JUSCO closer to home. It was fun just hanging out and catching up.

I went out with Sue Lyn after church on Sunday. It was another day of shopping. You have got to love Sue Lyn. We spent a long time at this rather bizarre restaurant that its decoration suited the “late-high-school-college-and-university-hang-out-place” theme. It was rather eccentric sitting on the floor when it was not a Japanese restaurant with dim lights and blaring music. The cuisine was snacks of all kinds. After spending about an hour or so, Sue Lyn and I went for a movie at Times Square and did a little shopping after. Hanging out with her is always refreshing and we were able to sharing our dreams and embarrassing moments while enjoying every bit of each other’s company.

My weekend was a little twist out of the ordinary that made me think, yeah, I should get out of the house a little more often. With the shopping carnival in town, and the summer movies on the silver screen, I ought to go paint the town red and celebrate my youth. Do give me a buzz if you want to hang out. I would be more than happy to oblige.

Madness and havoc are being experienced right now. Okay, maybe I am over-reacting a little, but I just hate it when there is a spin-off or a hiccup in my plans. Due to these little roadblocks, they are taking my time and effort to figure the best way to overcome it. (Yup, sure seems like I will not make a good contestant on “The Amazing Race.”)

Yesterday, I receive a rather unexpected call and it left me flustered and worried. It sure felt like a candy—that a baby has been waiting to take a bite out of it—was taken away and placed high up on the shelf. The situation was made even more difficult when the baby was not supposed to have any candy in the first place. The taker swooped in while mommy was in the same room just having her eyes diverted away for a split second. Man! What a situation it would be if mommy found out!

ARRGH!!! Now, it is time for the clean up. There is quite a lot of coordination and follow up just to solve the matter. There are so many possibilities of the good and the bad that might happen. My mind is exploding and please, don’t ask me what is going to happen in the next few weeks. Today or tomorrow itself seems like a long way to go.

A beam of sunshine warmed up the dark and scary place of my heart this morning as I was doing my reading.  It goes…

“The future can be a scary place. The unknown can be overwhelming, especially when the known has so many struggles. That’s why we need to trust in what God has promised. No matter what situation [we] will face, [we] can depend on God’s promise of help—regardless of what trouble the world will be in. God said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). And Jesus said, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20).

Those are great promises to depend on when we start to worry about the future.

We may not know what the future holds, but we can trust the One who holds the future.” —Dave Branon

That was assuring.

Hey, Suemae. Everything will work out for the best. Put your mind, your strength, and your heart to what really matters. Have faith and be obedient. There will be sunshine and rainbows after the thunderstorms.

(Music)

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

– “My Favorite Things, Sound of Music”

This song was playing in my head all weekend.

I reckon it was triggered off when I saw how my sister’s face lit up when we went to get her a new mobile last Friday. Her face was rather sour after I reacted to her comments in the car about something. Tired and annoyed, I gave her a piece of my mind while standing in front of the vendor. After the knot was untwisted and payment settled, the phone has landed in the hands of its new owner. My sister’s whole facial expression, tone of voice, and behavior changed. She was as perky as a spring bunny.

Hmm, it seems hat human moods and emotions are easily affected by the possession or use of material things. Comments or events that are brought about by physical or material items affecting the status of such things also moves one to the place of being happy or sad. I myself was affected by a comment like such last week. Someone who I have last met in March came to meet me on Friday. She said, "You look different… Much better looking that I last saw you… Prettier." That made my day. A little ego boost, and a point added to my physical and materialistic value. It felt extra good as it came from a female.

I know, it sounds a little shallow, but material and physical things do help trigger off the "feel-good" feeling that is a breath of fresh air, a pick-me-up-during-the-low-times, and will bring an instant smile or laughter. So, for all those cynics out there who thinks that I hardly smile or lighten up, the following has never failed.

* Hitting the beach either to relax in the sun, sleeping, a stroll on the shoreline or building sandcastles; or enjoying myself in the waves body surfing, kayaking or snorkeling.

* A walk in the park at the right temperature, weather and season. The top of my list right now is when the cherry blossom are out or in high autumn.

*Being showered by lots of confetti, surrounded by happy and lively music.

*Massive fireworks display either in quality or in quantity at the right range.

*Snow. Lots of snow. Fresh snow covering at least 5 inches. Building snowmen and snow fights are GRRRRReat!

Just writing about it makes me happy… Ahh, the good memories… I want to do it again! But alas! I have to be at work, seventeen floors up in the city center, battling paper work and stuff.

I need another pick me up now… I guess I have to settle with food!

Over and out!