bunny tales

Last night I watched a really good thriller "Mr. Brooks." Man! It was good. It has been a long time since I watched a movie of the same genre and totally enjoyed myself. The suspense and twist in the story are weaved beautifully. I would give a thumb up and recommend it if you share the same movie taste as I do. Movies that are in my suspense genre list houses names like "What Lies Beneath" "Double Jeopardy" and others.

On Sunday, Sunil and I made our rounds over at Yoyogi Park, Harajuku, and Omotesando. Sunil is a great shopping companion. He bought another cap and I, a pair of shoes. I guess now I have a new pair of favorite shoes. They are tan and reptile-skin-looking. My favorite feature thus far is that the heels are at the height of 10 centimeters (Woohoo! Extra height!) and I feel secured with the wider base of the heel in contrast to the sharp stiletto types ones on my other pair of "work" shoes. I am still getting used to walking in them with confidence on my daily commute. There is a tendency that I might trip over myself with this new height. I keep hitting my head on the overhead items in the trains. Well, it just needs time to wear into them, like handling growth spurt! Yeah, I love this pair of shoes. I feel so fashionable in them and they do add some color since I wear almost all black all week.

As I was walking to work this morning, I felt kind of hungry and stopped by 7-Eleven to grab some food. Let me tell you, they have the best to-go food among the convenient stores here in Tokyo. My next favorite store would be am.pm as they have small little portions of onigiri with a piece of fried chicken and egg that makes a light and cheap lunch for me. Hurrah for convenient stores that are truly convenient! I had a yummy pasta salad for breakfast and I guess that would keep me running till evening.

I love my bath and shower times. They allow me to think about things and sometimes, interesting revelations just pop up from nowhere and get the wheels in my head spinning. A few evenings ago, I figured this out. Do not make plans for others. Plan and make dreams for yourself, but invite others to join you. It is a free invitation to share the journey of life with them. It should not be by coercion or force. People should be allowed to make decisions and commitments for themselves and thus be responsible and accountable for them. Do something because you want to. Happiness, content and satisfaction will follow. Steering it back home, this applies to my relationships with family, loved ones, and my perception and application to my love life. So, stubborn as I am with my plans, it does not mean that I do not want to or do not have time for a relationship. It is an open invitation to those who dare take up the challenge. (Smiles)

Well, I would say that this was a pretty interesting entry. Haha… I know what you are thinking. However, I believe that the following sums me up best: "If it wasn’t for my random motions, blurting and actions, I’d be just as normal as you!"

Nature. I love nature.

I was out at Gotemba–the foothill of

Mt.

Fuji

in

Shizuoka

prefecture over the weekend for the Tokyo Union Church (TUC) retreat. Although Baileyna and I arrived on a wet and cold Friday night after a long train ride, we had nothing but beautiful weather for two days following that. I had a refreshing time. The air was simply fresh and delicious. I drank up as much as I could and the weekend was simply great.

We were surrounded by nature and the beauty of

Mt.

Fuji

was just before our eyes. I spent time helping out with the children and had a superb time with them participating in crafts, walks, games, etc. I felt alive playing with Kaye,

Lynn

, and others. I also enjoyed the mini sports rally we had in the gym with the other TUC members too. I liked the campfire best where we huddled and enjoyed the warmth of the fire roasting marshmallows and singing. The kids had a fun time stuffing marshmallows in my mouth and I have definitely had my fill of sugar for the next few weeks!

Church retreats are always refreshing. Even though I was not able to sit in for any meetings since I was with the kids, I learned something from watching Evan Almighty together. "When you pray for patience, God does not give you patience. He gives you an opportunity to be patient. When you pray for courage, He does not give you courage. He gives you an opportunity to be courageous. …" The show was a good family show fun to watch but these lines made sense to me as I am going through a passage of patience myself. As I wait for God to reveal his plans in my life, I do get discouraged when my prayers seem to be not heard. I fail to see that it is not about me but "everything He does, He does it because He loves me." It was a simple reminder for me as I press on towards my dreams and future.

I am feeling at the top of the world right now, but I would deeply appreciate your prayers for the next two weeks as we wait for the final say on my

Macao

visa. I have my preference to stay in

Tokyo

. But, definitely, in God we trust.

This will be one of the very rare moments I will use my blog as a medium of notification.

No name will be mentioned, but you are someone who shared the same school year as my sister.

There is no other nicer or more polite way to put this as it seems you do not get the idea or understand that a person is not interested in you at all. Please stop contacting me (or even attempt in any way) and do cease communication with any of my family member unless it is pure business with them and is MIGHTILY important (which I doubt you will have anything to do with it). I have blocked you from my emails and will not entertain any communication from you. Please refrain yourself from making things worse.

I have tried to be nice and thought that all you needed was a friend. I apologize if I had ever gave out any signals that I might be the slightest interested in you (which I DO NOT). A lunch meeting is a gesture of goodwill that I am being polite by giving a chance for the benefit of doubt. Having conversations with you was a true test of patience and honestly speaking, I do not enjoy. My attempt of sending signals (to which even an innocent kid would have understood) that I do not want to have anything to do with you has seemingly failed and I have to put an end to all this in this manner.

You are a common friend, which I think your actions of the past few months have severed that. Now it is a mere business-like relationship if any of my other family members choose to have one with you. Please be mature. I sincerely want to believe that deep down inside you is just a normal person who just needs a friend. Please seek professional attention if needed.

Suemae

The temperature outside has reached my level of comfort. Some might call it chilly, but I simply love the days to come where we are at the height of autumn and moving towards winter.

It is difficult to leave bed in the mornings as one would just want to snuggle under the covers and stay there. I have my share of battling with the nice warm blanket but would get up and look forward to dressing up for the day. Yup, I do put more effort into dressing up than I used to years ago. I love the autumn and winter fashion but I am also a person who would dress my best when I am down. I guess looking good does lift up the spirit with the right compliments when I don’t feel good. I look forward to shopping during this season. Hmm, I have my eyes on a pair of pumps, boots, a headband, a dress, gloves… Just thinking about it puts a smile on me.

Among the other things that keep me to my bed are some confused thoughts of late. I feel lost and scared. Work has sucked up most of my energy and life. I toss and turn thinking about what is going to happen to me in the next few months. However, there is a thin ray of light that would bring comfort but I am afraid to confront it in confirmation. I have loss my touch in connecting with my feelings and could not ascertain the best move to make. I fear that too drastic a move might smother that ray. But on the other hand, wonder whether there is a possibility that with the right action, it might be a prism that refracts the light and increase its warmth.

My logical reasoning self tells me that there is nothing to fear, and that I have lost the fight if I don’t have the courage to even try. But I hold tight to my security blanket of passiveness as I do not have the confidence within myself as I once did. I am playing it safe now. (Oh come on, woman! Be yourself and have a spine!) What shall I do?

I am afraid to make a mistake, I fear to be wrong. As darkness crawls in earlier by the hour each day, I find myself snuggling in the warmness of material things and hold the warm feeling in my heart carefully. Should I warm it up with my own hands or should I just be content with what I have now and choose to make the decision when the time comes?

I simply do not know but look forward in anticipation.

Last weekend was a roller coaster ride that left me to reflect on how I have been not myself of late. The general speech I had to give myself in order to slap some sense back into me was “Come on, woman, you are still young! Live life a little. Enjoy your youth!” The closest excuse I can give myself was that work has been sucking life out leaving a hollow body left to function based on practicality and skepticism.

Somehow, it seems like I am living days out of my high school life where I have a fixed schedule and need to coordinate my days in relation to work, commitments, and social life. Home was where I could touch base and regroup before going out with a bag of clothes and necessities as I move to carry out the itinerary I have planned.

Please do not get me wrong, as much as I would like everything to move in linear to my plans; I am not against spontaneous changes to the agenda. Just take it with a pinch of salt, right?

I was at work on Friday with a packed bag for the weekend out at TCU when I found out that one of the main purposes of my trip was cancelled due to an unfortunate event. After riding on the wave of uncertainty, I decided to carry on with my plans to meet up with the guys. Again, my plans were changed at the very last minute that actually irritated me to some extent but all is well as I was able to attend the TCU Chapel Concert Motoko mentioned to me a month ago which I told her I would try my best to attend if possible. Attending the later part of the concert balanced the chi within as I was there to enjoy Tenda-sensei’s composition performed by my favorite voice instructor, Inagaki-sensei and the 木声会.

The initial plan was soon back on track when the guys and I regroup and made our way to the new mall at Makinohara for the free karaoke Sunil was excited about. There were some hiccups and hisses but soon we started singing and dancing, and soon, we all did have a fantastic time. I am not a huge karaoke fan as I prefer “organized” singing. But after hanging out with the guys, it is just fun to go crazy and who really cares even if I sound terrible? Sunil rocked, Kazuto rapped, Matthias and Matthew joined us later and we “partied”!

The slap of reality hit me when I went about with lack of sleep on Saturday. The tiredness of the week and work in general snowballed itself and I felt its crushing weight on Saturday. Having plans after work and hanging out at night is fun. I don’t mind since I am all dressed out for work anyways. With a little freshening up and an energy boost, I don’t look that bad. Thursday I was out at Fujimama’s for Yoko’s little farewell get-together, Friday was the concert and karaoke, but since I didn’t have to work on Saturdays and packing extra items seemed like a hassle, I was dressed in whatever that my hands picked for comfort and convenience. However, I didn’t care too much about what I wore on Saturday… I have lost my will to look cute.

GASP!!! How could this be? I quickly sought for a remedy. Yes, I need to go shopping! I haven’t been out shopping for myself (without the necessity) in a long while. I think it was a record 3.5 months! Autumn is here. I need something to dress up myself for my favorite season and winter. I was right when I hit the mall. Looking at my reflection in the multitude of mirrors, I needed help. I looked like an “aunty/おばちゃん.” After looking around for a while, I returned home with my harvest of a new dress, bag, and knitted jacket. I felt much better.

I met up with Jewel in the evening and we had a yummy Japanese fusion pasta dinner. We caught up over dinner and studied a little at my apartment. A close to the hectic weekend was a relaxing LONG bath and Sunday at Omotesando. Baileyna and I went window shopping at Harajuku and I took her to my favorite place, Meiji-Jingu where we witness a few traditional Japanese weddings and children dedication. There was also the festivities of “thanking the dolls” where dolls of all sorts were collected, blessed, and then burned in dedication to their service to mankind. Yup, there is something new to learn everyday!

So, yeah… I am still young. It is time to pull myself together and enjoy my youth. We are never too old to have dreams and strive for them. Also, be spontaneous and make every event and opportunity an opportunity to learn and enjoy. There is nothing wrong to enjoy my age, so… スーメイ、しっかりにしなさい!

I was back in KL for about 10 days arriving the night of September 27 and left on October 6. My apologies for not getting in touch with you. I was experiencing episodes of mild depression aggravated by PMS that I was not in the mood to see anyone in general. I only made it out of the house for errands and engagements made in the previous months.

The feeling of home is strange as a whole. Over the years, I seem to find returning to

Malaysia

as little steps in fully putting my past behind me. We all have skeletons in our closets. I tried to sort them out each time I am back; but it seems to me that I should very well just get myself some nails and boards and just seal it up for good. Closure.

Not all is gloomy during my stay. Even though my nose had its usual reaction to the Malaysian climate and air, I did spend some good times with my sister and loved ones. I was on a paid trip back home to settle some business and was expected to get some work done. However, who has ever heard of anyone having any success with work from home? The satellite TV and bed got to me instantly. If it was not for the crappy bouts of emotions and guilt that tied me down to working at home, I would have been out shopping!

Even though I are say that I have no reservations about stepping out into the world without looking back, I will always find some warmth in those who I am able to share heart-to-heart conversations with. I spent a wonderful evening with Aunt BeeBee and we talked about many things. She was always there to listen and support me. Well, I reckon it is because I share many qualities with Vanessa. Funny how we are able to talk freely, to those who are not really tied by blood at times… We are family bound with love. We had dinner of yummy Chinese food and sat at McDonalds after for ice-cream as we chat the night away!

I also spent a whole morning with my grandparents. Here, I would like to extend my apologies to my beloved grandmother. I really want to speak with her, as I know her me. However, my attention was to my grandfather who I sense the loneliness and sadness of old age oozing out of him. I was put in a new position in seeing my elders in a different light, a position I hardly thought about. I always have looked up to my grandfather as the source of wisdom. He nurtured my passion for truth and introduced me to politics. He mentioned a few things he felt as I left for

Japan

5 years ago. I never thought that my grandfather would have worried that much for me.

As for grandma, the conversations circled around the same topics. I tried to explain to her what I am doing now in my out-of-tune Cantonese. We sorted out some doubts she had and clarified that if she needs to know something about me, the best person to ask would be me. Understanding her boredom and loneliness, I accompanied my grandparents to their friend’s place, the Chongs for noon-tea. It was rather strange at first, but I learned to see the beauty in OLD friends sitting together. Yes, I think it would be a great idea for good friends who know each other all their lives to settle down in a home together. A healthy group of friends gathered to talk about life in every aspect. The conversations will be colorful expanding to the realms of their younger days and what their grandchildren are up to these days.

I did spend a good amount of time with my dad and his family though. It was great being able to celebrate my dad’s birthday with him and spend time for another long dinner with him, Ron, and Juliet (step mom) joined by Su-Anne. Dad is dad, and Ron was entertaining as usual. Man! I can’t believe he is close to 5 now—mischievous but simply adorable. I am always glad to play the mean sister to let him know that not everyone submits to his whims and fancies. Nevertheless, we do share a close bond and I know he loves me. At least, I know for sure that there is ONE guy who wants me to be at his side!

Time was not permissive and I only managed to have brief meetings with Pastor Tony and M.C. There was much to share but each meeting with the mentioned mentors are always refreshing and heartwarming. I know I can always touch base with them. Their love and support are evergreen and I truly thank God for individuals like them who has seen me grow from an out-of-place teenager to a person with better options.

My stay was brief but refreshing and fruitful. Till the next time I am back in town, all the best and take care! I will try my best to catch up with the rest in the future. The only way to secure that will be setting up appointments with me before I am back. (Oh man! I am starting to sound like my business-self! You know what I mean. I am always happy to meet but I just need a more organized and committed time. It is obvious that swimming in work gets it into my system.)

Yesterday was a twist from the ordinary. I have been kind of depressed of late. Even though I am home in

Malaysia

, I just wanted to hide in the confinements of my room and not see anyone. Nevertheless, I am thankful that I did step out of the house today.

My first stop was to the beauty shop. (Yeah, laugh all you want. There is nothing wrong with having my grooming done by professionals.) I was done in 30 minutes and I popped back into the house to doll up for my lunch meeting with Julie.

We had lunch at a rather fancy restaurant at Isetan. The ambience was good and we caught up over a rather scrumptious meal topped with dessert. I complained (as usual) and she listened (as always). Julie is cheerful, zesty and supportive as ever. She is not only my consultant. Above that, she is a close friend and dubbed “big sister.” Thank you, Julie for the fantastic lunch. All the best in everything you do! Remember, wherever God leads me, you will always welcome to visit me. I will have that comfortable bed ready and waiting for you.

I zoomed back to do some shopping and took a breather at home before battling the traffic to meet up with friends from JAC. After our rendezvous in the city, Siti and Shereen joined me in my “matchbox-on-wheels” as we braved the rush hour traffic to the other side of

Klang

Valley

for dinner. The distance and traffic was not too pleasant but Siti and Shereen enjoyed the entertainment of my driving. I lost my patience a few times and Siti had a blast hearing a few of my yellings which she had missed so much.

About an hour later, the entourage of 2 cars, 5 gals and a guy arrived at the restaurant of Susan’s choice. We met Elisa there and were soon joined by Wai Kea. Dinner was ENTERTAINING. It was

Malaysia

at its best! It was an all-you-can-eat steamboat (Chinese style fondue) with the highlights of tasty chicken wings which you have to grab them before they are gone. We were graced by Susan’s talents and had servings of chicken wings every 15 minutes. My heart to you, Susan. You made dinner fun and memorable in many ways.

I had the chance to speak with everyone and am grateful being able to see them again.

Moong Lin, thank you for always pampering me. You have been a good senior and friend. My best wishes to everything you do.

Wai Kea, it is always nice being able to chat with you. I am so sorry that I will not be able to make it to your wedding in November. I know I will be missing a lot and will be kicking myself for not being there. Nevertheless, my best wishes to you and your betrothed. I look forward to pictures and videos online.

Elisa, you are always so sweet and seeing you never fails to put a smile on my face. I hope all is well at work. I simply love the look and the warmth in you.

Shereen, I am happy to hear that you are doing well. I look forward to hearing more good news from you.

Siti, thank you for your prayers in advance and I look forward to seeing you in

Japan

. Congratulations once again.

Samuel, I am happy to be a part of your unforgettable birthday. Continue to go after your dreams! I hope you will get the birthday present you desire.

To all I have met yesterday: I missed each of you in a unique and personal way. You will always be in my heart and I wish you every good fortune. Thank you for everything. Seeing you guys again sure brought a ray of sunlight in my gloomy state. I love you guys. Many hugs and kisses to you. Do keep in touch.

Home is where the heart is.

Many of us are familiar with this phrase. To a large extent, I do agree with it. And it goes without saying that the environment and its people do have a strong influence to the place we would call our “home” on earth.

I am grateful for being born a Malaysian. It was never a choice that I could make but I did make the most out of it by, as much as possible, carry its essence as a part of me. Nevertheless, many who do know me would say that there is something else that would make a stranger to confuse me for someone of a foreign decent. Could it be the “chinky” eyes or the way I dress? Or maybe it is the words and expressions that come out of my mouth or the way I carry myself?

People have often mistaken my nationality and background. A Japanese would ask upon our first meeting whether I am Japanese and many have commented that there is a very “Japanese-feel” about me even after knowing them for some time. As for others, many guesses based on looks and character that I am some westernized East Asian. And this trip home just reinforced my perception of how others see me.

At Narita, many shop assistance handled me in Japanese only. (There were times when they would just speak English to every customer). However, as I board my flight, I was greeted in Thai by the airline staff. During my transit in

Bangkok

, again, airport personnel moved me along the inspection line in

Thai.

I had no idea what they were saying until I requested “English please.”

On the plane, a flight attendant started confirming my special meal to me in Thai which I just smiled and responded, “Seafood meal, please.” I was also given an immigration card upon arriving at the Malaysian airport. Arriving at

Malaysia

I was given assistance to with the politeness and English used towards foreigners. Go figure!

Nevertheless, my body started to react not too long after I arrived. The unstoppable sneezes came back and I definite had better sleep with less hours. I woke up this morning and my nose was gone. The long night of sneezing and coughing had its toll on me and I ended up with a terrible sore throat. Within the next hour, my eyes were smarting. Yep! I am home.

Friends called me this morning and they were curious about my voice. A close one wondered if I was sick. Well, it would only be fair if I gave the benefit of doubt that I might have caught a cold somewhere. Nevertheless, friends commented that maybe I do not belong here anymore!

Maybe all of the above is just a silly thought running wild. I am who I am, and well, we do live in a globalized world where the media has brought us so much closer in mainstream fashion looks and the expression through language. Who really cares where I am from?

So, enough of the ramblings above. The point is that I am back in

Malaysia

now for a week or two. Even though I am still tied down with work, I do have time for a drink or two. Just give me a buzz if you have the time.

Many of you might have known by now how tough my current job can be. There are days when my routine tasks just make me feel like throwing up.

HOWEVER, I love this company as it is just as crazy and fun loving as I am. It is the people that make the high-stressed fast-paced roller-coaster job bearable.

Today, we celebrated my birthday at the office. I had a nice Spanish lunch with Heike, Yoko, Cathrina and Tomo. At 3, we had a small and simple party… BUT, Man! It was fun.

YUP, it was a birthday party, alright. I got my lovely b-day song (simple and sweet, with a shriek from Heike), a toast with rose champagne, and had miniature sweets. Everyone was simply sweet. We shared jokes and had a few good laughs. It was just lovely to take a break and have some “afternoon tea,” or rather, an “afternoon bubbly!”

I guess there is always room for exposure. This form of mid-day-light-booze-45-minute-party is definitely a first for me. To top it off, we all had to get back to work soon after! (Laughs)

Thank you, guys. You guys rock!

I am 25 today. I have been in existence for a quarter of a century now.

What have I accomplished in life? The length of the list varies in the eye of the beholder, but I would say that I had a good year with a steep learning curve and many changes since my last birthday. One of my crazy goals (I don’t know why, thus it is crazy…) is to get married when I am 24. The closest I got to that was going out on a few dates and an impromptu marriage proposal. As to getting to my overall goal and dream, I think I have been taking baby steps up until now but am praying that it would soon be a steady pace bringing me forward to it within the next year or two.

This is my 5^th birthday in Japan after a year’s break, and it is different but nice. No more birthday dinner, movie, and プリクラ. I didn’t even get my birthday picture taken! Now, there is no new picture for my profile! (Gasp!)

Even the celebrations are at a very low key this birthday; I enjoyed every bit of it. I had lunch with お母さん yesterday and by chance, Jewel joined us. We had a good time catching up over sushi. After that, お母さん and I enjoyed “Miss Potter” together. I really enjoyed the movie. It has cute bunnies and eye candy. It made me weep a little, but simply, BEAUTIFUL!

I battled the trains back to my apartment in the evening and slept well since I was exhausted due to the early class I had with Dr. Franklin in the morning. When morning broke, I got up without the buzz of any alarm which made it a relaxing morning and that rhythm took its place for the rest of the day. I went to church, skipped the special dance presentation to have a really easy lunch with Baileyna. We had Mexican food on Omotesando. After seeing her off at the station, I met up with Mark and Sunil at Harajuku. Mark greeted me with one of the best birthday hugs I ever had and we just sat at one of the best seats at McDonald’s to people watch.

Mark left Sunil and me to continue our weekend rendezvous as we waited for Matthew. We hung out at Yoyogi Park watching the “interestingly dressed people” and listening to bands. We sat at the park and enjoyed the wonderful weather. Really, it WAS very relaxing and I enjoyed it. Strange, eh? But I guess I have learned how to truly relax and enjoy the simple things in life.

Soon the trio was completed when Matthew made his appearance and we made our way to a Thai restaurant on Meiji Dori. We had a good relaxing time enjoying Thai food and playing with our wine glasses. After dinner, we continued our wonderful span of conversation topics at a nearby coffee shop. The night ended early and we parted slightly before 9.

No cakes, no candles, no lavish gifts but I am happy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, and that I guess, defines who I am right now. I am just a simple girl trying to make it in this crazy world and am thankful for the people God placed in my life. No gift is more precious than of true friends and their time is the best gift ever. The best thing about it is that I have been enjoying this almost every Sunday!

So, what lies ahead this year? I will continue to strive on towards my goal and would deeply appreciate your prayers, encouragement and support. Pray that I will be able to enter graduate school soon with enough provision to support myself. May I continue to be faithful in my daily worship and grow to be a young woman doing everyone proud.

Keeping it simple and only focusing on the important… Happy Birthday, Suemae.