Standing On My Own Again
It is through every trial and tribulation we get to see ourself grow. The immense pain in the challenges reflects the changes that has happened in us. It is a mirror reflecting who we are, who we have become.
I got out of bed earlier than usual this morning. All I wanted to do was to clean my room and apartment. I don’t know why. I noticed a cycle that has formed in the recent years. Taking the simple example of cleaning, I was taught to do house chores since the passing of my paternal grandmother and when my sister grew out of her need for a nanny/maid. Sweeping and moping seemed like fun then and I enjoyed playing my part at home. However, since we moved out I had not been cleaning at all unless being asked to, solely because the time spent at home was short and mom hired a part-time helper to straighten out the place once a week.
It was until I entered TCU that we were assigned cleaning duties again. Be it the academic zone or our personal living space, I was shocked that I would take the initiative to clean up an apartment and was proud of my accomplishment. Living with 3 room mates in an apartment-like environment put the initiative back in me as although we were all busy, it seemed like I was the one at "home" the most even though I had a full schedule. Nevertheless, cycles go around in circles. My return hope after graduation last year put me back into the days of taking cleaners for granted and I am shameful to admit now that I used the tiredness from work as an excuse not to clean.
Now, I look back just at today when I got up just to clean and mop the floor, twice. I even changed 2 light bulbs even though I was not tall enough and had to over come my fear in using a movable chair in reaching for high places. I am on my own.
When I am at my low, I used to come up with excuses to avoid or relying on others to help me do the things that I can do. But I know better. I used to be strong and independent. It is now, when I am alone–when things seem harder, when it seems that there is literally no one to pamper me–that I stand on my feet again.
Maybe it is time for me to straighten things out in my life. I have been spoiling myself coming up with all kinds of excuses to "decorate" and "soften" reality for me. Where have you been, Suemae? What happened to the strong-willed, independent, "go-getter"?
It is not too late. I thank God that it is, again, through the people and situations God put me in that I realize how much I have slacked from who I am and am geared towards my potential. I have to see that I am on the ground now and have to pick myself up, standing up because I can and not expecting, or rather, taking for granted that someone will come to my rescue.
I am no baby. I know how to stand. I did it before. I just need to realize that through the promptings of people but not rely too much on that outstretch arm. I am not arrogant, but it is only those who know me well who will understand that I have to do this by myself. Nonetheless, I am forever grateful for the special people He placed around me who truly helped. Suemae, independent and strong. You can do it with genuine support.
